Dear Addie,

Hey sweet girl,
I'm sorry I haven't wrote to you in months.  It has been super hard because when I come & see your blog & get so sad and angry.  And all of my emotions & feeling that I think I have pushed away & hid come back.  It gets painful, & very hard at times.  I do think about you every day.  You sweet girl are my drive in life.  the reason I do what I do.  the reason for everything.  It's to make you proud.  I know that you are sitting in heaven looking down on me & making sure that I stay safe.  On the 26th of this month it will have been 5 months since we lost you.  5 long months.  I never thought it would get easier to be "okay" with the fact that you are with Jesus now & wont be coming back.  But God has been awesome enough to help me deal with losing you. 

So sweet girl...I can only imagine the fun you are having in heaven!  With your 5 other siblings & BOTH of your grandpas!  I am sure you are spoiled!  Plus our puppy Daisy I'm sure you just love her!  How cool is Jesus?  Do you enjoy cuddling with Him at night?  Does He keep you warm?  I bet He has the most amazing stories to tell you & the rest of your siblings before bed at night!  He is keeping me safe down here!  I cannot wait to see what He has planned for me!  I will be home in no time sweet girl!  I have some stuff Papa needs me to do down here before I can come home.  So keep waiting & Make sure to be there when I arrive! 

WE LOVE YOU!!

I love you super super super much pretty girl!  I am doing my best down here to please you & Papa!

Dear Addie,

I hate this pain and I wish you were here. I can't remember what you felt like, the only thing I do remember is how cold you were and how I wanted to make you warm. How sad yet precious you looked, and praying over you asking for God to bring you back. This pain is unbearable....I feel bad when I don't think about you because I feel like I'm forgetting you. But it hurts so much when you are on my mind. There is a whole in my heart that nothing will every be able to fill. I want you here in my arms. I keep telling people I'm happy when I don't remember what being truly happy feels like. Even the other day when I got to feel it for a couple of hours I forgot it. I just want to be happy again. I want you.

Dear Addie,

It's really hard for me to write letters to you. Cause when I do I get mad at God. I feel like He got my hopes up and got me all excited that I was gonna have a little sister and then he just took you from me. I'm always telling people God has a plan and has a reason for this. But I really don't care I just want you. My little sister. I don't understand and I really really wish I did. I just want to yell and scream. I don't want to live anymore. I want to be with you in Heaven.

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Something Horrible happened. I woke up Monday morning to my dad telling me that my baby sister passed away while still in my moms tummy it was only 3 days till moms due date. For 2 hours the only thing I could say was "no". I wanted this to all be a dream. I couldn't loose my baby sister. It just couldn't be real. Unfortunately it was. All day Monday I just cried and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I was praying for a miracle and hoping that when she was born her precious heart beat would be back. But it wasn't in His will. I don't understand what His reasoning is for this or why it had to be a precious baby. At about 9 O'clock Monday night Addison was still born. When my dad texted me to tell me I just started balling. There were many tears. My Big sister Beka was here to hold me as well as my older brother Luke. Ellyn was here too. My friends have been an amazing support to me. I was so exhausted and needed sleep. Beka left at about 10:30 pm that is when I went to bed. The next morning we loaded all 9 kids up and headed over to the hospital. When we walked in to the room. Tears filled everyones eyes. Poor Addison so lifeless and helpless. Only a few of us held her. Then Luke took All of the kids home I stayed at the hospital with mom dad and Addison. I held her for an hour and a half. I didn't want to give her up or put her down. This isn't how it's supposed to be. She is supposed to be here in my arms. My parents aren't supposed to be at the funeral home. It felt so wrong leaving her at the hospital. So wrong. I'm homesick for heaven and I wish I was in Heaven with Addison. There were so many things I looked forward to doing with her. That I will never get to do now. Right now Life sucks. I want my little sister, I want her in my arms. That is all that I want.

Addison...I never wanted to leave you. I wanted you to come home with me. :'(

Dear Addison

Dear Addison,
Today the mid-wife left to go deliver a relatives baby. She wont be back till next Friday. If you come while she is gone Mrs.Misty will have to deliver you. Mom isn't to thrilled about the idea of Mrs.Stephanie (The Mid-wife) not being here for your birth. So I am praying that if you come early everything will go well. I know God is in control.

Dear Addison

Dear Addison,
Today while painting my toenails, I was thinking of you. I was thinking of the day I get to paint your nails and toenails <3 Just another thing I look forward too! :) I can't wait for you to be here. I know this was just a tiny little blurb, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you!

Could Tonight Be The Night?

Dear Addison,
Mom is having a LOT of contractions that are quite painful. You don't seem to like them to much and you freak out when they happen. Maybe you will come into the world tonight? That would be great. I and many others are praying for a safe delivery. We can't wait to meet you baby girl ❤